no words

i don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling sometimes. I just want my marriage to be normal. I dont want Mark to be mad at me for wanting to do something. I want freakin marriage counseling but theres really no point when he's not even going to be here alot to go with me. He just tells me to go by myself. maybe I do need counseling. how bad is it that I know that I have depression. I feel like I can't even go on meds for it without Mark judging me. Thats why I don't want to go to the dr to get help for it. My anxiety is worse than ever. I feel like my life is just spirling downword and I can't stop it. I wonder if my life would be different if I wasn't with Mark. maybe I'm stupid for wondering that but I do. I wonder if I would still be so unhappy. Mark tells me to fix it but I dont know how to. its obvious mark doesnt want to fix the problem so I dont know where to go from here. I have been nothing but a great wife to him and all I get is shit on in return. He basically gets everything he wants and I get nothing. I'm not sure where to go from here. any advice would be appreciated.

posting for jenn

Mark's been home from the last underway for 3 weeks now and things were going good until he got back from Michigan and I saw that he pulled out money on the credit card to go gamble. He's still on leave and thankfully goes back tomorrow. That caused a huge argument in the stop & shop parking lot with him handing over the card and me breaking it in half. Basically his spending is out of control again and he's gambling, granted he won quite a bit of money but thats not the point. He shouldn't have been at the casino period when he knows we have no extra money to do anything. Last night was just awful after I got home from work. Basically he doesn't trust me from things that mostly happened right after we got married (3 years ago) and he doesn't know if he can be with someone who doesn't trust him(I don't trust him with money and thats it) I feel like I do everything around here, I pay the bills, I clean, I work, I do the laundry, I feed the dogs. but its never enough for him. Nothing I do is never enough. I told him last night if he felt that strongly about it that he needed to go to Legal. Its bad enough he said hes not getting me another Power of Attorney because they messed up the one I have now and its void because the dates don't match. What am I supposed to do on deployment? I don't even know what to do anymore. He won't agree to marriage counseling and I'm just at a loss. Things were fine until last night with the exception of the parking lot. I don't want to be nice to him anymore. I do everything for him and I get nothing in return. Its bad enough we have seperate checking accounts because I can't trust him to keep his account in the green. He's stopped giving me money for household things with the exception of the truck payment. I have NO money leftover after I pay the bills. I have $75 right now to last me till next Thursday when I get paid again. I just want to be happy again and I'm not sure when thats going to happen. I try talking to him but he doesn't listen to me. I don't know what to do. I just don't.

long tuesday

so lets start with the fact that I thought I was getting my period today. apparently I can't count because I'm in fact getting it next week.
I made 2 new other blogs - one for my recipe testing out and one for my coupon savings. I think I might make one more for my weightloss journey.
Today is just a blah day, it was so rainy and dreary out. I can't wait for summer and lots of sun!
I'm off to hopefully do some exercise
lots of love
jen